


An Abomination

by Kagetsukai



Series: Damn it, Jim. I'm not a doctor! [1]
Category: Dragon Age, Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: Confused Fereldan, Crack, Don't Put Your Dick In It, Gen, Humor, Why Is Jim This Dumb?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-03
Updated: 2017-08-03
Packaged: 2018-12-10 18:52:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 470
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11697777
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kagetsukai/pseuds/Kagetsukai
Summary: A passionate night with a red-headed woman has left him with amazing memories and a missing coin pouch - surely he's misplaced it somewhere? A week later, though, he stops feeling like his old self and seeks a medical professional to help answer a burning question. It does not go how he predicted it.





	An Abomination

**Author's Note:**

  * For [LadyDracarys](https://archiveofourown.org/users/LadyDracarys/gifts).



It felt like a special kind of torture to sit on the healer’s cot and wait for the woman in front of him to finish her magical diagnostic of his pained crotch. It had been bad enough to need to come here in the first place, but to be examined by a woman? Jim could feel his face turn redder with every passing moment of silence.

She finally straightened up and placed hands on her hips.

“You have the clap,” she announced in her heavily-accented, Orlesian voice.

Perhaps it was the raging uncertainty, or maybe he was becoming hard of hearing at the tender age of five and twenty, but he was ever the dutiful soldier; he put his hands together and began to clap.

The woman - wasn’t her name Sabine or something? - stared at him, incredulous, and his applause tapered off under her intense glare.

“What are you doing?” she asked, her voice clipped and severe.

“You told me to clap, Lady Healer,” he replied. That _was_ what she asked of him, right?

The range of emotions that flitted through her face was both impressive and confusing. He still didn’t know what was happening and hoped she would enlighten him soon.

"You don't need applause for your dick, you idiot!" she finally exclaimed, throwing her arms up. She continued her griping in Orlesian, and Jim couldn’t understand it, though he could distinguish the words 'Ferelden' and 'idiot' quite clearly.

“So what do I need?” he asked timidly.

Sabine stopped her tirade mid-word and stared down at him.

“Don’t put your dick into women who have gonorrhea, that’s for starters.”

Jim’s eyes widened and dropped to his crotch.

“Oh dear Maker!” he exclaimed. “Is that a kind of an abomination? I didn’t know, I swear! She didn’t look like a demon to me!”

The healer stared at him for a long moment, her face unmoving, slowly closed her eyes, and took a deep, steadying breath.

“Holy Andraste, grant me strength to deal with this village idiot.”

Without further preamble, she pressed her hand against his neck, furrowed her brow and pushed light blue magic into his body. Jim jumped at the sensation of cool water draping over him, but relaxed the moment the feeling reached his genitalia; it soothed him and his dick no longer seemed like it was on fire.

“You are lucky you came to me this quickly. If you neglect these things, you can sterilize yourself for life,” she mentioned and stepped away. “Be careful next time!”

Reading it as a dismissal, Jim jumped up from the cot and almost ran away from the room. Interacting with the healer had been embarrassing, but now he had to go speak with the Commander.

He had to tell him all the details of this new kind of an abomination.

**Author's Note:**

> The blame for this should be put squarely on LadyD's shoulders. It's her fault. I wash my hands off of it.


End file.
